The Jade Hand

[Hida Togeriso]

Greetings!!!

Sorry for the lateness, hope you all enjoy!

*screen static*

Crab Clan Karaoke:

(Several taiko drums begin a rapid beat as Hida Daizu steps up on stage and sings to the tune of Billy Joel's classic 'We Didn't Start The Fire'

HDaizu:

Imperial, Six Clans, Then We Add The Shadowlands
Scorpion, Naga, Next Edition's Emerald

Crab Oni Everywhere, Crane, Anvil of Despair
Matsu Turi, Matsu Gohei, Even More Corrupt Gold

Honour in the Clan War, Lions Charge While Shinjo Snores
Kolat and the Oni Eye, Phoenix Taints You As You Buy

Dragons sit and do their thing, Man Taka Has The Bling
Shugenja, Samurai, Monks and Master of the Five

Chorus:

This is War of Dark Fire
Chosai's pride is burning
And Dark Daughter's Yearning
This is War of Dark Fire
Chosai tried to light it
But We're Here to Fight It...

***

*Rokugan. Crab lands. Kaiu Kabe. Prison level. Hida Kenshu and Hiruma Danto walk in to see a Yobanjin Prisoner, a Dark Oracle of Fire Unaligned Servant.*

HD: Hello. I was wondering if we could have you take part in a special interview on the War of Dark Fire. Its for The Crab Show and...

DOoFUS: What the hell is The Crab Show?

HK: Can't we just torture him?

HD: You really want to use needles and knives on him?

HK: Good point. So, I gotta ask, are you based on certain players who keep stating online...

DOoFUS: WHAT! You dare accuse me? I'll quit! I'll stop buying! I'll, I'll, I'll... (head explodes in a ball of flame.)

HD: Anyone got a broom? What you looking for?

HK: Nothing in particular, just making sure we were on the Crabs boards and not elsewhere. Like pinchy-stingy-stabby, you know...

***

WARNING! The Crab Show is a satirical examination of a fictional and fantasy world. Some of the subject matter is not applicable to the real world, and if one cannot differentiate between fantasy and reality, please stop reading. Matter of fact, just bugger off and practice being an elven courtier somewhere else.

Warning: Dear Michael Bay, who felt threatened by the other 'big robot movie' called Terminator Salvation: Hey, I'd feel threatened too by a movie that uses characters, plot and not just big explosions...

***

The Crab Show would like to thank the following:

The Bookshelf: for all our L5R gaming needs above and beyond.
Hiruma Asylyn and The Crabs of the Feeding Hills Kotei: Sixty Pieces of Jade continues with a bang! THANK YOU!!!

***

Save the wife and kid from Taint
Drink Triple Fist and do not Faint
Its the Crab Show
Smash tetsubo through Phoenix art
Laugh when Onis try to fart
Its the Crab Show
Its the place where bushi hang together
Daizu's still alive? Oh hell yah!!!
Bouncing Goblins off the wall
Watch that ogre as he falls
Its-the...Crab-Show!!!!

*Camera pans over studio audience, many of whom have bottles of sake in each hand. Some still have sake in them, but not many.*

Toritaka Kitsune: Welcome Crab brethern to tonight‘s episode of the Crab Show! And here are your hosts, Hida Kenshu and Hiruma Danto!

*Crowd cheers as Kenshu and Danto appear, who remove their geta before walking to their seats onstage.

Hida Kenshu: Welcome Crab brethern!

Hiruma Danto: And welcome geisha girls!

*Geisha smile and giggle behind fans. Each are wearing a blue and red kimono accented with a Crab mon wreathed in flames.*

HK: Ladies! You looking for a hot Crab? Well look no further because...

HD: If you try putting on the moves I am sure that they will set one Crab on fire. Literally. Toritaka Kitsune! What news tonight?

TK: I’m drunk and I’m pissed that the Cavalry advantage has reared its head yet again!

HK: Yeah! For a clan that suffered heavy losses to the Lion and lost many steeds, how the hell are they not doing like the Phoenix after the Clan War saga?

HD: Unicorn's main advantage always proves better and better as an arc ends. Fact of life when you start adding abilities to Peeps who already have a great advantage. Maybe in Celestial we'll see strongholds without abilities, or Peeps that do less, but for now the only thing you can do is brace for an army of bandwagoning clones and prepare for the worst. Which brings us to our topic for tonight.

HK: How to live with being hooped?

HD: (Looks nervously at The Most Esteemed Guests From The Imperial Censors Office of Rokugan) No. Today we look at the latest news in Rokugan--the War of Dark Fire.

HK: What you mean to say is today we look at how other clans are woefully unprepared in fighting anything but themselves.

HD: Well there goes diplomacy...

HK: What did you expect?

HD: Some concern for our fellow Rokugani?

HK: Hey, I'm concerned and I hope they kick ass in this war but when its over I hope this puts a few clans in a proper understanding of what we have done for over a thousand years--I'm talking to you Crane and Scorpion!

HD: No one really understands the Crab. That is true but hells bells this is a terrible way to learn what our life is like, neh?

HK: Whatever. I'm just saying that after Yasuki War Three, this feels like a little justice.

HD: So you want the Crab to be known for justice? Or duty?

HK: (sulks) No fair.

HD: Of course its not fair. welcome to life as a samurai. Besides, have you read the reports of the past few weeks? We are getting our asses handed to us. The cost of victory is going to be pretty damn high.

HK: But we'll win! We are in the age of the Heavens again. No more age of man! They do all this celestial stuff to decree a new empress, so they are not going to let us get wiped out...right? Right?

HD: Maybe.

HK: What do you mean maybe?

HD: Look at the early stages of this war. All we have done is react, fighting when they arrive and we're not usually in any position of terrain advantage or military superiority. Has anyone done any scouting behind enemy lines? Do we have forward observers or small raiding parties? We Hiruma do just those things when the Shadowlands Horde marches to attack so that when they do arrive at Kaiu Kabe they are either weakened or missing a few command types courtesy of a few jade arrows. At the very least we have our brothers prepared with numbers of the enemy and other information so that the minions of Jigoku get their arses handed to them.

HK: And thats not happening up north?

HD: There is very little information about what we face and we still seem to be reacting to where they march. We are letting the Army of Fire dictate the pace and place of battle. Unacceptable. Hell, has anyone thought if this large army is just the first wave? Do we have any clue how many Yobanjin tribes there were? How may have converted to the Dark Oracle's purposes?

HK: So what can we Crab do?

HD: We have Kaiu Kabe to defend, but during the last Yasuki War, we had divisions of the Damned that were going to be used for the final offensive. Why not send them to the north to fight the Army of Fire? And send Kaiu en masse to build better forts or siege engines that can lay waste to the army before they close in on the samurai.

HK: Actually, too many times it seems as though the other clans are worried about getting their glory. They close in to fight and end up a crispy corpse that just did his clan proud.

HD: Exactly. Pride and glory mean nothing when it comes to preserving numerical advantage, and my guess is that we are weak on numbers.

HK: Samurai, put down the sword and take up the tetsubo!

HD: Or at the very least get back to using the bow or naginata. Hell, yari units gets first strike right?

HK: I miss Clan War. So no swords?

HD: Cutting them seems a bad idea, especially when they do that fire burst thingie.

HK: What about jumping away?

HD: Maybe luck will be on your side in a one on one fight, but a massive battle? Don't forget that armour doesn't exactly make you all that agile either.

HK: You mentioned bow and arrow.

HD: Good to use, but require two things--a large supply of arrows and distance. And while some of us might have no problem picking arrows out of corpses to fire again, not going to be many arrows left over when fire burst thingie happens again and again.

HK: So that leaves?

HD: Hand to hand combat...

HK: SUMO TIME!

HD: Or blunt weapons like the daruma or our ever loving tetsubo.

HK: I'm guessing no spiked tetsubo though?

HD: Yeah.

Yasuki Bling Bling: I'll get another monopoly going. Tea and tetsubos!

HD: Either way, we need to turn the tide! Crab Clan! Time to teach some lessons! Time to kick arse! Time for screams, technicolour, swords, the whole shebang!

HK: But first, some sake!

HD: Of course! Cue to commercial!

*Screen fades to static...*

(Yasuki Bling Bling appears on screen)

YBB: Death at Koten! Buy now! Buy lots! And lets find out what the hell happened to Kisada!

*screen static*

(Hida Reiha and Hida Kuon in a small room. Well, could be a large room but Kuon just makes everything seem small in comparison. Reiha is eating and Kuon is looking for nicks and other damage on his tetsubo.)

HR: (puts the bowl down) This rice just doesn't have any flavour!

HiKu: Its rice. Flavour was never an option, besides, my tetsubo needs to be cleaned.

YBB: Ever find yourself faced with the same dilemma? Unsure what one can do? Well, Kaiu Labs has once again come up with a remarkable solution with new Yummy Shine! Add exotic flavour to your sushi rice AND clean your weapons with new Yummy Shine! Say yes to YS!

*screen static*

HR: Ahhh!!!!! WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!WHACK!

HiKu: (Storms in tetsubo overhead in classic 'defend-the-wife-that-usually-needs-no-defending' pose.) What is it?

HR: It was looking at me through the window! I had to attack!

HiKu: (looks down and sees a pile of koku with goggly eyes on them) Oh...that was just the koku we saved by going back to the Wall.

YBB: The Wall! Kaiu Kabe! Fifeteen minutes makes you a gunso!

*screen static*

Crane Samurai: I just hate winter! The ever present cold! Snow melts and soaks your kimono! Those little braziers just don't throw out the heat...

(Yasuki Bling Bling appears and dumps a pile of filth on the Crane.)

YBB: Try new Magic Mud! Guaranteed to make you insta-warm and forget all about that silly winter time forever! (small screaming conflagration in background, Hida Daizu appears and roasts marshmellows.)
_________________
See ya!!!
Hida Togeriso, Crab Clan Lorekeeper
Might have had a hand in this...

I have seen many like you, I have known many like you. You only need to know this about me: should you fall I will remember you and tell your tale. No one is forgotten.